Starting on a new role in a new company is always exciting, but a bit nerve-wracking too, especially when you are dealing with a life-long anxiety diagnosis.
As a fashion designer graduate, I had no idea about the corporate world, but I wasn’t doing great where I was working. I was tired and sad of feeling like a number, something that should be productive 24/7 or else considered worthless. I knew I had to do something.
One night, we went to celebrate one of my friends being hired at Avature; he was the third one from our group. As they all talked about their experience at the company, I found myself thinking, “That actually sounds pretty good!” The fact that they cared so much about a corporate job made me want to try it for myself. And so I sent my application.
As I did the interviews, I wanted to know as much as possible about the company. I remember reading an article about Avature’s approach on mental health and thinking, “Man, I really want to work here.” And fortunately, my wish was granted!
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During my very first months in Avature, I could feel my anxiety firmly keeping my feet chained on the ground. It was my first time working in a remote, goal-driven company, so the flexibility that this grants in terms of schedule and organization was very new to me. However, every day I’d wake up worried about logging in exactly at 9 am (or even a few minutes before) and try to be online and available at all times. I’d struggle a lot taking my lunch breaks as the fear of not showing myself as someone liable would constantly cloud my mind. If I had to go away from my computer for the smallest thing, I’d feel guilty and let my manager know, just in case.
I remember one time he said to me, “I don’t mind what you do with your time. As long as you have your tasks in order—which you do—you can come and go as you please.” Imagine my face, I was so confused! He had to repeat this to me many times, since my anxiety would always make me go back to my old habits.
Even with all his support, my impostor syndrome would always kick-in. So we focused mainly on building confidence in my skills and overcoming the awful social anxiety I felt every time I had to talk in front of groups of people or customers.
While working on these feelings was very demanding, I felt supported and accompanied in the process. I was enjoying my time in Avature and for the first time in my life I didn’t feel like running away from a place. Everyone was so nice, I could work from home—big plus for an introvert who struggles to go out a lot—, and my job was challenging, interesting, and stimulating. I could feel the trust Avature has on their team and, in my mind, I couldn’t possibly allow myself to let it down. More reason for that little voice in my head to convince me that I had to work even harder to protect my place here. My anxiety kept me overly functional to the point that, after a year, I was completely exhausted.
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Around that time, I learned that, as part of the team’s growth, we would restructure our clusters, which meant I had to start working with new teammates and a new leader. Even though I kind of anticipated the change, the news still had a huge impact on me. I couldn’t help but feel terrified of losing my safe place. But that is life, and this kind of thing happens all the time, so I had to embrace change, deal with the fear, and move forward.
I cannot stress enough how much support I received from my leaders during the transition. But still, it was a stressful situation for me, and summed up with all the exhaustion I’d been carrying around, something in me finally broke.
I’d always been a sensitive person, but this extent wasn’t normal. I’d cry my eyes out or get angry to the point of yelling out loud for the most insignificant things. I’d stay angry for something trivial for days and take it out on my friends or partner. I could rationally understand that what I was doing wasn’t right, but I could simply not control it. I kept it all to myself until one day I was caught in the middle of a stressful situation during a call, and it threw me out of balance for three whole days. I could understand the context where it happened and rationally thought it wasn’t a big deal, but at the same time I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide that I was not okay.
That’s when I first reached out to my new manager to let her know I felt that something was not right with me. It was during one of our weekly one-on-one calls. When we started talking and I told her I knew I was making a big deal out of something really small, she stopped me right there. She said that I was important and that I should never underestimate my feelings, no matter the situation. I was shocked. This was so far from what I was expecting. She stood there for me and helped me think of ways to avoid similar situations in the future. I started the talk expecting someone to minimize my feelings and instead found comfort and validation. We even ended up talking about how I was thinking of trying out a cognitive type of therapy, and she supported my decision and encouraged me to do whatever I felt would be helpful.
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And so I set up an appointment with a group of therapists. I remember being so restless around that time. I had seen a lot about ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) in social media and every time I felt like they were talking about me. The one thing that stuck with me the most was a post about how it was pretty common for women with an anxiety diagnosis not to ever suspect having ADHD, since anxiety acts as a compensation for ADHD traits, keeping you functional in detriment of your mental and physical health—What if that was my case? Everything in me seemed to fit that description...
But I didn’t want to fall into the self-diagnosed trend and understand the importance of checking with professionals, so I decided not to mention anything related during the first interview with the therapists (out of the fear of not being taken seriously, as it has happened to many other women.)
About an hour into the talk, one of them made a pause and said, “Normally we wouldn’t say this without doing the proper tests first but… Have you ever considered that you might have ADHD?” I was taken by surprise, but quickly answered in a low voice, “That’s exactly the reason why I’m here today.” They then proceeded to explain that it was so awfully evident by what I had shared about my life and the way I act and express myself through movement that they felt they should tell me right away, but we would of course do the necessary tests to find out exactly what type of ADHD I had. Still, knowing this right-away, we could start focusing on getting me back on track with regulating my emotions in the meantime.
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The days after the diagnosis were really weird for me. There was a certain sense of relief in confirming what I had been suspecting for months, maybe years, mixed with the heartbreaking feeling that I had just been told something I interpreted as my brain being broken. The feeling that all those simple things I struggled so much to accomplish would haunt me for the rest of my days. The confirmation of what I had suspected ever since I was a child: I was, indeed, different. I remember crying myself to sleep thinking, “I’m so tired of this.” But life goes on, and I had to go back to work carrying this truth with me.
I remember having one of my team meetings a couple of days after the diagnosis, and I just felt like I had to tell my team about it. This was too heavy to carry around alone. So I did. My team has always been like a second home to me, so I felt it was safe to share this with them, and I was not mistaken. They all expressed their support, and some of them even reached out privately offering an ear to listen whenever I needed it. I could’ve never wished for better people to be around during that time. Their kindness and warmness has stuck with me ever since.
But back to my day-to-day tasks, I was on my own again, and the ghosts in my anxious mind—now combined with my ADHD diagnosis—had always prevented me from recognizing any real value in myself. Every time someone would congratulate me on my work or say they wanted to partner with me again, I didn’t believe them and failed to understand why people were so kind to me. Now that I was more informed about the particular ways of my brain to function, suddenly I felt like I was all over the place more than ever.
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It was thanks to the continuous effort from my manager that I slowly started gaining more confidence and realized that maybe I was actually doing a good job. It took months of steady work between the two of us to understand how I could improve my mental health in the workplace. Every week, we would discuss how I was doing and think of strategies together.
One of the first things we addressed was my inability to rest during the lunch break. I would eat in five minutes and go back to whatever I was hyper focused with (a common trait of ADHD where you develop an intense fixation on an activity for an extended period of time, oftenly blocking out everything else.) Even when I could stop to take a break, my mind would still be attentive to emails or messages, meaning I couldn’t actually rest. So we decided that, if it worked for me not to stop at midday, then I shouldn’t do it, but instead I should log out at 5 instead of 6 pm, and if for any reason I had to stay longer, then I should log in a bit later the next day. I had thought of something similar before, but it was impossible for me to make a decision like that without validation, given how structured and strict my brain is with some stuff. I was so grateful when she suggested it!
Another strategy we talked about was blocking time on my calendar when a task was hard for me to do. I have plenty of tables and to-do lists to overcompensate my lack of attention, but sometimes some things can become painful and I’ll get distracted and constantly postpone them. Adding these tasks to my calendar to have a visual reference of when I should take care of them has saved me more than once.
We also talked about the fact that I didn’t need to be available at all times: “Close your chat and close your email too if you need. It’s not the end of the world if you aren’t online for an hour or two because you need to focus on something,” my manager said. Once again, as someone used to feeling the need of showing reliability (translated in my brain as being available at all times), hearing this from her was a real game-changer.
Up to this day, the most challenging thing for me is still to find a balance between keeping myself engaged with tasks to stay on track and avoiding burnout. It’s almost funny to think that executive dysfunction can come from having too much on your plate, but also for not having enough. Luckily, my manager understands this and keeps the communication flowing between us to check when I can take more and when I should take a break. I can confidently ask her for more things to do, or the opposite. And she always makes sure to check how I’m doing every week in our meetings.
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Everyone’s mental health journey is and will always be different; I can say mine has always felt more or less like a rollercoaster. My ADHD diagnosis changed the way I look at things. There are a lot of ups and downs, and sometimes it’s scary, but getting to know and accept myself has also brought me happiness and peace of mind. There are days where I feel emotional and vulnerable, but now I know that this doesn’t make me weak. Raising my hand and asking for help or just an ear that listens is not wrong. Taking a moment to breathe is more than allowed.
While most of this journey is very personal, I'm not sure I’d be able to say this today if it hadn't been for the warm and amazing support I’ve experienced in my time as an Avaturian. We don’t tend to rationally think about it, but we spend a great amount of hours every week in our jobs, so how things unfold in a work environment has a great impact on ourselves. Even if we are doing it from home, on the other side of the screen there are people we interact with every day. So being part of this big family has been for me, more than once, a guide and a place to feel comforted and safe. And all that which has been given to me I want to be able to give it back to others.
I've been in Avature for a year and a half now and all I can say is: I'm glad I made the decision to apply for this job. There are still days where I get lost and don’t feel like myself at all. But there is always someone there to remind me that it's okay to feel like that sometimes. Be kind to yourself, and be kind to others; you never know what they might be going through. Avature keeps proving to me everyday that this is the way to success: to take care of each other. So whether you're in the process of interviewing or you've been an Avaturian for a while now but my story somehow resonates with you, I hope that this read contributes at least one tiny bit to your own journey.